Useful Tips

I do not live, but exist - Time to recover!


One of the most common difficulties is the need to refuse people. And although at work situations often arise in which, due to your professional duties, you simply cannot say no, other circumstances will arise day by day, giving you a certain freedom of choice. How to use your right to say no and correctly formulate a refusal?

Reason as follows: without saying “no” at the right time, you will put the needs of the other person above your own. Do you really want this? At work, there are many situations where your needs are no less important, and in some circumstances even more important than the needs of colleagues. Remember how often your colleagues refused you. And you calmly and without irritation accepted this answer. So why worry about being upset if you behave the same way?

The real problem is that a constant “yes” easily becomes a habit, and it’s really difficult to change a fixed pattern of behavior. Remember your colleagues. Can you guess what to expect from each of them? Probably yes. Similarly, your colleagues, accustomed to your reliability, will most likely come to you with so many requests that you simply cannot fulfill them. Thus, the habit of constantly agreeing to requests for work will lead to congestion, because you take on more than you can do or what you really have to do. This leads to stress, frustration, hostility, conflict and mistakes, and over time the situation only worsens.

So, the ability to refuse, when you consider it necessary, is an important skill that must be mastered. You will probably have situations when you want to help someone, even if this is not convenient for you. Remember: assertiveness means respect for your needs and rights to the same extent as for the rights of others, as well as consent, when necessary, to compromise.

Many people do not like to say no, believing that there is only one way to do this - direct refusal. Such a “no” may seem rude and aggressive. And this is usually not the impression you want to make at work. You seek to establish good relationships with colleagues, but you will inevitably have to refuse someone for your own sake - your health and well-being. So you should be able to say no, but in such a way as to demonstrate respect for the needs of another person. There are different ways to fail, which depend on the situation. Here are three main options.

Direct rejection - The most uncompromising way, and it is rarely suitable for use at work. They often resort to it when someone’s rights are violated. In such cases, you can loudly and firmly add: “You don’t hear, I said no.”

Please provide additional information or a promise “some other time” - an opportunity for discussion, while the refusal remains among the possible options.

Thoughtful no - The most delicate way, because you show that you have heard the interlocutor.

Further, I will explain in detail what each of these options is, however, the choice will depend on the situation, your attitude to it and the person who makes the request, because it can be your mentor, immediate supervisor, colleague or team member to whom you really want to help.

Do not try to radically and instantly change your behavior. This is especially true for failures, as you can shock colleagues who do not expect the leopard to suddenly change color. It is much better to start small, train hard and change gradually.

What does it mean to be out of oneself?

What does "not in itself" mean? I do not mean here outbursts of irritation or inadequate aggression. The point is that our mind and soul are constantly somewhere outside of us - in work, in relationships, in business, in entertainment ... This is normal - you need to do business most of the time, but if you do not recover from time to time, then we lose internal harmony, a reference point, and as a result, the forces necessary for these matters.

Just as musical instruments need tuning, so our soul is upset by constant use - and we need to come to our senses, return to ourselves and tune in. If this does not happen, then we have an unreasonable bad mood, irritability, apathy, a feeling that everything is tired.

Life somehow gets messy, we get confused and lost, and things require to stay afloat - to be constantly alert and collected ... And to overcome this conflict between reality and necessity, we begin to lie - to ourselves, naturally. We lie that everything is fine, everything is going according to plan, everything is under control.

We are building ever more detailed plans and are working on their implementation, forgetting to ask ourselves if we really need it. We lie to ourselves what is needed - and we get used to walking with empty zombie eyes, not living, but existing. And this lie is not in vain. The farther we plunge into it, the worse the consequences of lies can be - from a physical illness to a second half suddenly divorced ...

It happened to you that at the height of important matters - completely at the wrong time, do you fall down with the temperature so that you can’t do anything? This is just the case when our soul no longer knows another way to stop us and return us to ourselves, except for illness. So the lie breaks out through the disease. But even then, instead of calmly recovering, we are annoyed at an unexpected stop and try to recover as soon as possible.

Oh, it's about rest! - you guess. Yes, rest is usually advised in these cases, and sometimes it even helps, but very rarely. After all, we really do not know how to relax ... Our vacation is diverse, but usually it does not contribute to the recovery, but rather the opposite. And the problem remains - we continue be out of control and eke out existence.

Our usual rest is not in ourselves

How do we usually relax? We arrange holidays or come up with outdoor activities - outdoors, in the pool, in the gym, in bowling, dancing or yoga ... Or we visit beauty salons, baths and saunas, we just do shopping ... - in general, we do everything in women's training called self-love. It raises the mood, but from such a "rest" you often get tired no less than from work, have you noticed? Especially when it becomes an everyday “duty" :)

Modernity offers us hundreds of ways of entertainment and distraction, calling them "rest." The most common leisure options are TV and the Internet. Something to see, read, check the news in social networks ... No stress, no activity, but at the same time we continue to be outside ourselves, plunging headlong into the flow of information, replacing life with existence ...

It doesn’t matter if we watch a good movie or news, wander through forums or scroll through pictures and videos on social networks - at this time we are even further away from ourselves than when we work. We scatter and consider this a rest. But our consciousness is already scattered across many programs and tasks, and it is not at all a fact that it needs to disperse even more. Real rest is needed not to be distracted, but rather to recover.

No better, in this sense, books. Books are necessary and important, especially serious and developing books. For example, I listen to books on psychology, philosophy, pedagogy at household chores and read when I put the child to bed. In the process of reading and listening, I think about myself, including. Every minute of life is used as efficiently as possible, which, undoubtedly, contributes to personal growth, but ... Ah, where am I?

What does it mean to "recover"?

  1. Recover - this is, first of all, stop on your run "Squirrels in the wheel." It would seem - sit down and just do nothing. But how is it to do nothing? Can you do that? We must at least turn on the TV or music ... The habit of dissipating and wandering about with our thoughts somewhere “in a distant country” deeply ingrained into our soul.
  2. Recover - this is to be Here and now. Usually we are in the soul of the past or in the future, at work or in the White House - anywhere, only not in the present tense and not in the place where we really are. When we were children, we were always here and now, but over time we forgot how. And children can learn this again.
  3. Recover - this estimate my “here and now” from the point of view of yesterday and tomorrow: Here is my path - my values ​​and aspirations, and here is the point where I am. Have I deviated from the path? What step should be taken next to return and continue the journey? What prevents me from following my own path - what weights hang on my feet or what temptations attract me to the side?
  4. Recover - this give up your inner lies and make a decision. We were left alone, we realized that we were confused, lied - so that nothing was visible ... And now we need to carry out internal work to unravel and expose, and then make decisions: do not lie again, and those decisions that need to be made now but we ran from them.
  5. Recover - this don't relax, as it may seem, but vice versa - get together. To gather within yourself, in your center, discarding everything else. In a sense, this is mental work - because our soul is too accustomed to relaxation and distraction. But, on the other hand, this is true self-love, which we lack so much.

Check yourself: if you come to your senses from time to time, for you need, then it's great, and if not, it's an alarming bell. The trouble is that many cannot and cannot be in themselves. They are so unaccustomed to themselves and accustomed to external life, or they are so frightened by internal problems and the need to solve them that coming to themselves is martyrdom for them. Such people need effort to overcome themselves, to overcome internal resistance.

Why do you need to come to your senses?

Here, I think, everything is clear. Staying in oneself is the basis of mental health, calmness, self-confidence, a feeling of fullness of life and happiness. And also an indispensable condition for self-realization, personal growth and harmonious relations with near and distant. Self-actualization without being in oneself is simply unthinkable.

A man who never comes to his senses, confused and lied, is not able to work productively, nor to communicate fully, nor to love, nor to be happy ... In general, an unhappy person is lost, “not living, but existing”. Such people are even visible - they have empty eyes, like mannequins.

In no way do I want to say that we live only in those brief minutes when we come to, and the rest of the time we only exist. The charge of staying in reality that we receive when we come to our senses lasts for some time - and our life, with all our deeds, becomes a real, not a mechanical existence, until we again go too far away from ourselves. Ideally, of course, you need to be in yourself constantly.

By the way, how do you think, how often does a person need to recover for a normal life? I did not have time to tell how to recover and what means can help us in this. You can get acquainted with my ways that help me to come to my senses, as well as subscribe to the news - there is still a lot of interesting things ahead of us. In the meantime, I'm waiting for your comments! You know a problem like not life, but existence, and what do you think about "coming to your senses"?